Who do you actually want to be in bed?
Have you ever really thought about how you want to show up s/xually?
Not who your partner wants you to be. Not the version of yourself you think will get approval. Who you, in your own body, want to be when you are in bed.
What do you actually desire, when you strip away what everyone else expects? I am not just talking about threesomes, anal, or kink, though those are valid desires too. I am talking about something deeper.
What level of depth do you want your s/xuality to hold? How do you want to feel when you make love? What kind of experience do you want to create, not for performance, but for yourself? What nuances would make your sexuality feel like something that is truly yours?
Most men never pause to think about this. Most stay in the same loop of performance-based s/x, thinking that is all that matters. And to be honest, women care far less about your performance than you think.
I hear this over and over again from men:
“If my penis does not work, something is wrong with me. I feel ashamed. I should probably just get pills and move on.”
I understand that fear. I also need you to wake up to what your body is actually trying to tell you.
Maybe you are running on empty. Maybe you are underslept, carrying too much stress, drinking too much, eating foods that leave you heavy. Maybe your energy is low because you are constantly in your head, worrying about your family, your work, or the state of the world.
Maybe there is heartbreak you never let yourself grieve. Maybe there is loss that still lives in your body, years later, that you have never made space to feel.
From the smallest drains on your energy to the biggest traumas you carry, all of it shapes how you show up in s/x.
None of this means you are broken. It does not mean you have a performance issue. It means your body is asking you to slow down and pay attention.
Slow the fuck down.
Spend time with yourself, with your body, without distraction.
Inquire within.
Fill yourself with the energy you need to actually feel alive again.
Let go of the substances, the porn, the numbing habits that drain you.
Let yourself grieve, cry, rage, and feel what you have been holding in your chest or your gut for years.
Shift your mindset away from performance and toward truth.
Decide who you want to be as a s/xual man. Create that narrative for yourself and live it every day, regardless of what anyone else says or thinks.
This is what I advocate for. For you to live from your power and your truth, not someone else’s idea of who you should be. That is what draws a woman in. That is what makes you magnetic and confident. That is what allows you to feel your body responding again, hard and alive and steady.
Sometimes men need to hear it straight. So if I sound a little like a Dominatrix here, take it as tough love. Because too many men spend their lives disconnected from their bodies, trying to perform their way through something that was never meant to be a performance in the first place.
This summer is the final window to do this work with me before my coaching shifts into a new chapter in the fall. Through August 31, my 1:1 coaching is available at a closing rate. If this is the season where you want to rebuild your connection to yourself and decide who you actually want to be, you can book your free intro session and shop the summer sale below.
With devotion,
Iryna